In Memorium Zeus Gauthier 1992 - 2007

I doubt that you expected me to be writing a memorial to Zeus on Katrina Day. But there's a good reason behind it. Many of you may not know that I had Zeus put to sleep earlier this month.

He started having odd labs before I moved from New Orleans to DC. When I had him checked out it turned out he was in the early stages of renal failure. The treatment is a type of 'poor mans dialysis' where you give fluids under the skin and let the body process them to keep hydrated. There is no cure. So we started the treatments, staying at the vets office, when I was in New Orleans in July and he seemed to respond well according to the vet.

When I brought him back home his stopped eating and became very VERY clingy. Clingy was normal for Zeus for about 24hrs after I had been out of town for a few days. But this never stopped. He wanted to be in my lap, next to my head, being held, constantly in the days after I got home from my NOLA trip. And he still wouldn't eat no matter what I offered him, the special renal diet - no; his old soft food - no, tuna from the can (his favorite) - no.

After a few days of this I realized he was not tolerating this illness or its treatment very well. And I could not imagine having to stick my cat with a needle twice a week for the rest of his life (up to 2yrs at best). I talked to several of my friends with pets about my concerns. All of you were very supportive and helpful. I finally decided to have him put to sleep. I just did not want my final memories of him being sticking him with a needle and watching him get sicker and sicker.

So on August 4, 2007 I took Zeus to the vet to be euthanized. I was fortunate to have a new friend from work meet me at the vet to be with me through this ordeal. I hadn't even thought about having someone with me, but I am so thankful she offered because now I cant imagine going through that alone. I have to say the people at the vet were magnificent. The front desk ladies, the vet techs and the vet who we saw that day were amazingly compassionate. I had steeled myself against the possibility they would try to talk me out of it. But they didn't, in fact the vet told me she truly believed that pets tell their owners when its time.

I was able to hold him the whole time except during the 2 injections, the first a sedative and the second the euthanization injection. My friend, Michelle, had not met Zeus before this so while we waited for a room I was able to take him out of his carrier and hold him and tell her all about him. Every person at the desk came over to pet him and commented on how beautiful he was. Once in the room I became more emotional and just held him and told him how much I loved him and how thankful I was to have had him as my faithful companion over the last almost 14years as my life has changed significantly. The the vet came in and explained everything to me and when I told her i was sure this was what i wanted to do, she gave him the first injection.

By this point I was sobbing, holding him close, telling him again and again thank you for being with me during some difficult times in my life, thank you for coming with me on this new traveling adventure, i told him i was sorry for doing this but i just couldn't bear to have him suffer and i told him i loved him over and over.

It was by far the most honest I have been in grief ever in my life. When my mother died i was so completely overwhelmed and in many ways so emotionally shut down, stunted and immature that I was not able to express my true feelings for several years. But over the last few years, with alot of hard work, I have come to understand and acknowledge my feelings and begin to express them in healthy ways. And that is exactly what I did with Zeus. I was able to cry as much as I wanted to, I was able to tell him anything and everything I wanted to. I was able to honor the depth and breadth of my relationship with him. I was able to do this very hard thing and have no regrets. I held him as he died. It was peaceful. He was not anxious or in pain. And I was able to hold him for as long as I wanted/needed to afterward. Which was a long time but shorter than i would have imagined.

You may ask why am I sharing this today on the Katrina anniversary? Well. One of my patients asked me today about what it was like on this day 2 years ago. What happened when I got back to my house. And I remembered going back there. Seeing *every* tree on the treeline behind the house laying *on* the house. Having to crawl under those trees and branches blocking the carport and side entrance to get into the house. Walking into the hot humid house and finding water in the hallway kitchen den and bathrooms. Seeing the bulging ceiling in the back bathroom dripping water and obviously about to fall to the floor. Searching for Zeus. The only thing I took out of my house that day was Zeus. I found him under the bed in the spare bedroom. Normally he would have run from me if I tried to grab him from a hiding place. He never flinched and hardly moved even once I had pulled him out. He was hot, his nose was hot and dry. I grabbed his carrier, his litter box, a bag of litter and a bag of food and headed back to HMFranklinton.

So that's what has me thinking of him today. He was the only thing I was worried about 2 years ago tonight. And once I had him safe and sound in my office at the nursing home I was not worried about any of the 'things' in my house. And in the incredibly hard and scary days that followed August 29, 2005 as I worried about friends and family and struggled to find all of you and communicate during the aftermath, it comforted me to have him there with me, living in the therapy office.

I miss Zeus. Alot. I think of him everyday still. And i feel sad. His picture is still the wallpaper on my cellphone, and whenever my niece sees it she starts "meow, meow, meow, meow" and i smile thinking about him.

I have no plans to get another pet at this time. Partly because I want to let myself grieve Zeus' death. And partly because there are other opportunities for me as a traveling OT without a pet, that I did not have with a pet. For example, the possibility of taking an assignment working in Hawaii! (more about that later!)

And so tonight, as I grieve all the loss and changes in all of our lives, in our homes, our parish, our city, i continue to grieve for my beloved companion Zeus.

I want to thank my new friend Michelle for truly being there with me on that very hard day. And I want to thank the fabulous staff of Benson Animal Hospital for thier kindness and compassion for both me and Zeus.

I love you my boy, you truly were the king of the gods. Thank you for loving me. I will remember you always.

Post K + 2

Sigh.

Hard to believe its 2 years since 'The Thing' (to quote Chris Rose). But it IS really hard to believe its been 2 years. 2 years ago tonight I was hunkering down at HMFranklinton, helping them to get ready for Katrina. I was bunked on the floor of the therapy office, with my laptop and my radio. I was still in that pre-K delusional state where I told myself, "we are 100 miles inland from where the storm will make landfall, it will weaken significantly by the time it reaches Franklinton". Boy was I wrong. Sigh.

I'm pretty wound up tonight. No big surprise there. Last year I was wound up for days, even weeks, before the anniversary. I told a friend tonight that I guess I can live with a couple days of anxiety. NOT being in NOLA or even LA is making a HUGE difference I think. Also, not working in the place I survived the storm makes a HUGE difference too. Of course my fabulous trip to Hawaii last week has to be helping as well.

When I was home in NOLA in July, I went riding around to see what had changed and what had stayed the same. It was a completely depressing ride. I took a few pics with my cell phone camera. You can see them here if you are interested. They are from the lower 9th ward, Arabi, and Chalmette; many of them places very familiar to me when I was growing up, such as my old church, the bowling alley, the park, neighborhoods and streets, as well as our old house and my grandmothers house I lived in when I was a teacher. I know its not all bad, there are some good changes happening, but it is still visually overwhelming for me, and I wont be going back 'Katrina sightseeing' again for a while.

I do have to say though, that in my travels, here in the DC area, anytime I tell someone I am from New Orleans, their face changes and they ask how things are, if they are getting back to normal, and what will it take to get things back to normal. I found this when I was in Hawaii too. So the world has not forgotten about us completely, though they do not understand why things are still so difficult for so many (of course many of us probably wonder the same thing).

Last Friday night (8/24/07), I was flipping through the channels and came across a special on the weather channel marking the 15th anniversary of Andrew in south Florida. I kept on flipping, but wondered what things will be like for us and for NOLA and the gulf coast in 15years.

I will spend the day at work, at my little nursing home north of DC. It will be a positive distraction for me, as well as a reminder of the huge changes I have been making in my life. I will be thinking of my family and friends that will also be living through this K+2 day. And I will say a prayer for all of us and our hometowns as we/they struggle on this road to recovery.

Back to real life . . .

Well almost, since my real life now involves traveling to fabulous places, visiting family and friends and working at a different job every 3-6-9 months. :)

I'm back 'home' in DC, and I spent the day getting ready to go back to work and back to real life. My apartment is a wreck (no big surprise there!) and my fridge was empty when I got back last night. So I made groceries and started picking up around here. Cooked a couple of easy things so I have lunch the next couple of days, put new sheets on the bed, etc.

It's here in the everyday life that I hope to make new changes. But it's also here in everyday life that changes are the hardest. Old habits are hard to break. I know I need to start small.

My friends Dave and Karen love me very much. They took a huge risk when I was vacationing with them last week. They talked to me about my weight. It's been my experience that you have to love someone a whole lot, enough to risk hurting their feelings and possibly losing your relationship with them in order to bring up such a touchy subject. It made me cry to know that they cared that much about me.

I know many, most, probably all of you in my life worry about my weight and my health. So do I. And that is a blow horn right there. I spent years not really caring about it at all. But now that I've regained all the weight I lost in 2000-2001, I find myself uncomfortable in my body. It is a new feeling to me. I know that may be hard to believe, but it's the truth. I've often joked that I am a reverse-anorexic, I look in the mirror and I see a 'normal' sized person. And for years I didn't even notice my body was so big. But believe me I notice now.

My life has changed so much. I am open to new opportunities in my life. But there are just so many things I can't do that I want to do. I've never really noticed it before, I guess because I was so closed in by the walls I had put up to protect me from the world. But as the walls come down, I see things I want to do, and right now I just cant do them. I feel sad, angry and frustrated. And I think, I hope, I know I'm ready to do something about it.

I didn't start this blog as a weight-loss journal. I *did* start it to communicate with and get support from my family and friends as I make changes and take advantages of opportunities. In 2000 when I started making changes in my lifestyle and diet, I did it secretly for a very long time. I was pretty sure it wouldn't work, and even when it started to, I was very sure it wouldn't last. My life is significantly different now and I want to take advantage of that difference. I am more connected to the world in general and to my friends and family specifically. I don't want to try to make hard changes in my lifestyle without asking for and getting the support I need from all of you.

So, if you have any suggestions, ideas or thoughts you would be willing to share with me I'd appreciate it. I have the comments set to be moderated (by me) so that I don't end up with a ton of spam clogging up the blog.

It's getting late, til next time. . .

P.S. I'll post a link with pictures from my fabulous Hawaii trip soon!

Welcome to my blog!

Aloha!

I'm writing this blog from Waikiki, Hawaii! Flying back to the mainland early afternoon, but already all packed up. I've been staring out the lanai doors of my friends Karen and Dave's apartment at a view of the beach and Diamond head. Life is rough I tell you. :)

The idea for doing a blog was first inspired by my friend Dee at Scrappersaurus, who started her own blog here. On my first full day here in Hawaii, I encountered the *blow horn* and it became an additional inspiration to start my own blog.

I've made many big changes in my life in the last year. Leaving my job of almost 7 years in Franklinton, beginning to work as a traveling OT, and leaving Louisiana to take a travel position in the DC area. Big huge changes for someone who never imagined living outside of the New Orleans area, and who planned to retire from my job in Franklinton. Talk about your hard right hand turns!

As my life continues to change and I am more open to the opportunities that are available to me, I see more big changes I want to make. However I am, and will be, far from home, family and friends. So I invite you my friends and family to follow my journey both in my travels and in my changing world. Please leave comments as your support is important to me.

Mahalo (thank you) for reading. Until next time. . .