I doubt that you expected me to be writing a memorial to Zeus on Katrina Day. But there's a good reason behind it. Many of you may not know that I had Zeus put to sleep earlier this month.
He started having odd labs before I moved from New Orleans to DC. When I had him checked out it turned out he was in the early stages of renal failure. The treatment is a type of 'poor mans dialysis' where you give fluids under the skin and let the body process them to keep hydrated. There is no cure. So we started the treatments, staying at the vets office, when I was in New Orleans in July and he seemed to respond well according to the vet.
When I brought him back home his stopped eating and became very VERY clingy. Clingy was normal for Zeus for about 24hrs after I had been out of town for a few days. But this never stopped. He wanted to be in my lap, next to my head, being held, constantly in the days after I got home from my NOLA trip. And he still wouldn't eat no matter what I offered him, the special renal diet - no; his old soft food - no, tuna from the can (his favorite) - no.
After a few days of this I realized he was not tolerating this illness or its treatment very well. And I could not imagine having to stick my cat with a needle twice a week for the rest of his life (up to 2yrs at best). I talked to several of my friends with pets about my concerns. All of you were very supportive and helpful. I finally decided to have him put to sleep. I just did not want my final memories of him being sticking him with a needle and watching him get sicker and sicker.
So on August 4, 2007 I took Zeus to the vet to be euthanized. I was fortunate to have a new friend from work meet me at the vet to be with me through this ordeal. I hadn't even thought about having someone with me, but I am so thankful she offered because now I cant imagine going through that alone. I have to say the people at the vet were magnificent. The front desk ladies, the vet techs and the vet who we saw that day were amazingly compassionate. I had steeled myself against the possibility they would try to talk me out of it. But they didn't, in fact the vet told me she truly believed that pets tell their owners when its time.
I was able to hold him the whole time except during the 2 injections, the first a sedative and the second the euthanization injection. My friend, Michelle, had not met Zeus before this so while we waited for a room I was able to take him out of his carrier and hold him and tell her all about him. Every person at the desk came over to pet him and commented on how beautiful he was. Once in the room I became more emotional and just held him and told him how much I loved him and how thankful I was to have had him as my faithful companion over the last almost 14years as my life has changed significantly. The the vet came in and explained everything to me and when I told her i was sure this was what i wanted to do, she gave him the first injection.
By this point I was sobbing, holding him close, telling him again and again thank you for being with me during some difficult times in my life, thank you for coming with me on this new traveling adventure, i told him i was sorry for doing this but i just couldn't bear to have him suffer and i told him i loved him over and over.
It was by far the most honest I have been in grief ever in my life. When my mother died i was so completely overwhelmed and in many ways so emotionally shut down, stunted and immature that I was not able to express my true feelings for several years. But over the last few years, with alot of hard work, I have come to understand and acknowledge my feelings and begin to express them in healthy ways. And that is exactly what I did with Zeus. I was able to cry as much as I wanted to, I was able to tell him anything and everything I wanted to. I was able to honor the depth and breadth of my relationship with him. I was able to do this very hard thing and have no regrets. I held him as he died. It was peaceful. He was not anxious or in pain. And I was able to hold him for as long as I wanted/needed to afterward. Which was a long time but shorter than i would have imagined.
You may ask why am I sharing this today on the Katrina anniversary? Well. One of my patients asked me today about what it was like on this day 2 years ago. What happened when I got back to my house. And I remembered going back there. Seeing *every* tree on the treeline behind the house laying *on* the house. Having to crawl under those trees and branches blocking the carport and side entrance to get into the house. Walking into the hot humid house and finding water in the hallway kitchen den and bathrooms. Seeing the bulging ceiling in the back bathroom dripping water and obviously about to fall to the floor. Searching for Zeus. The only thing I took out of my house that day was Zeus. I found him under the bed in the spare bedroom. Normally he would have run from me if I tried to grab him from a hiding place. He never flinched and hardly moved even once I had pulled him out. He was hot, his nose was hot and dry. I grabbed his carrier, his litter box, a bag of litter and a bag of food and headed back to HMFranklinton.
So that's what has me thinking of him today. He was the only thing I was worried about 2 years ago tonight. And once I had him safe and sound in my office at the nursing home I was not worried about any of the 'things' in my house. And in the incredibly hard and scary days that followed August 29, 2005 as I worried about friends and family and struggled to find all of you and communicate during the aftermath, it comforted me to have him there with me, living in the therapy office.
I miss Zeus. Alot. I think of him everyday still. And i feel sad. His picture is still the wallpaper on my cellphone, and whenever my niece sees it she starts "meow, meow, meow, meow" and i smile thinking about him.
I have no plans to get another pet at this time. Partly because I want to let myself grieve Zeus' death. And partly because there are other opportunities for me as a traveling OT without a pet, that I did not have with a pet. For example, the possibility of taking an assignment working in Hawaii! (more about that later!)
And so tonight, as I grieve all the loss and changes in all of our lives, in our homes, our parish, our city, i continue to grieve for my beloved companion Zeus.
I want to thank my new friend Michelle for truly being there with me on that very hard day. And I want to thank the fabulous staff of Benson Animal Hospital for thier kindness and compassion for both me and Zeus.
I love you my boy, you truly were the king of the gods. Thank you for loving me. I will remember you always.
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